After I became a believer, singing became something completely different for me. I still loved it just as much, maybe even more, but now it wasn't only because I loved music. Somehow I knew that the Lord was calling me there. The strange thing was that every time I thought, Maybe this is it... maybe this is where the door opens, it almost opened... and then it closed again.

I still don't know how many times that happened.

I remember one meeting in Russia. The person who was supposed to lead worship didn't come, and the pastor simply asked me, "Tanya, can you do it?" I wasn't prepared. I wasn't trying to become a worship leader. I just stood there before the Lord and sang. I remember the presence of the Holy Spirit was so real that day. Later I found out that some of the worship leaders became jealous. I wasn't looking for a position. I didn't even have one. Somehow that wasn't what people saw.

Then there was France. I remember standing there with a guitar. I don't even play guitar well. I only know enough to accompany myself. But that evening I wasn't thinking about whether I was playing well or singing well. I remember only one thing. I was completely before the Lord. I was improvising, worshiping, and I forgot about everybody else. Later my husband told me that one of the women in leadership had said, "Your wife brings us into a very deep place in God." Those words stayed with me. Not because I thought, Oh, I'm good. They stayed with me because I knew I couldn't produce that. If something happened, it was the Lord.

Then another memory comes back to me. This one was in Israel. Somebody else was leading worship. I only asked if I could sing a few lines because I felt that particular Scripture in my heart. I think it was only four lines from a Psalm. That's all. After the meeting one of the prophets came to me and asked, "Tanya, when will you sing again?" He said that when he heard my voice, there was something very powerful, something deeply anointed. I didn't know what to do with those words. I still didn't know what to do with them.

Then another woman came to me after the same meeting and simply asked, "Do you have recordings?"

I remember going home. I remember going straight into the bedroom, getting under the blanket, and crying uncontrollably.

It wasn't because she asked for recordings.

It was because something inside me suddenly felt exposed.

I felt ashamed.

Not because I wasn't singing.

Because I wasn't doing anything with what the Lord had entrusted to me.

And yet, every time I tried to take a step toward it, another door seemed to close.

One church would say, "Tanya, you're a preacher. You should teach."

Another would explain why I couldn't lead worship.

Another would invite me for a moment, and then nothing happened afterwards.

Sometimes I wondered whether I had imagined the whole thing. Then another person, completely unexpectedly, would say something that woke the hope up again. And I would think, Maybe... maybe now.

Looking back, I can see that the Lord never stopped encouraging me.

People did.

Circumstances did.

Opportunities came and went.

But somehow the Lord kept putting little reminders in my path, almost as if He was saying, "I haven't forgotten."

At the time I didn't understand any of it.

I only knew that I loved to sing, that I couldn't stop singing, and that every door seemed to open just enough for me to believe something was about to happen... and then close again.